Losing a colleague

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 Patty Coleman died a week ago Saturday of “cardiac arrest.” As Sandra points out – everyone dies of cardiac arrest – ! When she first came to the University of Maine campus, she worked tirelessly to organize students and faculty around setting up a quality MSW Program.  She was diagnosed with MS before she was 30, and determined to achieve all she could in whatever time was given her. She was a charismatic, complex and often difficult person. She left many achievements behind, and she also left me, for one, with many questions and few answers.

The questions have to do with personality, personality changes in the course of a difficult illness or life situation, and bearing witness to a life.

Because of a difficult and complex series of negative experiences between me and Patty, I left our friendship over 10 years ago. Yes, she had showed me photographs of the lesions on her brain, and yes, she had talked about her cognitive and physical deterioration. But the truth was that when she behaved and acted in a way that appeared to me to be the ultimate betrayal of our trust as friends, and even as human beings, I could not understand and I could not forgive.

I have made peace with that rupture in my universe that occurred so many years ago. I was able to attend her funeral and bear witness to her life and her achievements. I was able to see the love her family had for her, especially the young ones. Most importantly, through the medium of words and photographs, I was able to see a common 1950’s childhood. 

I am left with great sadness and no regrets. When people behave badly, even when there are extenuating circumstances, this bad behavior harms others, sometimes sending their universes spinning out of control and leaving a legacy of pain and wonder.

My sadness is that through the combination of personality, illness and circumstance, such an isolation and distancing occurred – not with regard to everyone, of course, for there were others whom Patty did not impact in this way.

I lost my friend many years ago; I bear witness, though, to the fact that we were friends and that we loved one another. And that she lived and achieved much and suffered from a devastating disability that had many circles of impact.

I wish only peace and release for you, Patty. We had a common history, common values, common goals. We also possibly had common misunderstandings of friendship and love. But here, now, at the end of it all, I can say that I did love you, and will continue to think of you as I puzzle my way through the rest of my life.