Thoughts when not feeling well

As an educator with a few differences that might be called “disabilities,” I think a lot about continuing my work from this side of the desk as well as from the student side of the desk. I could have gone on disability many years ago, and chose not to. I believed that I would be able to work within my institution and manage my job and life.

Sometimes it has worked, and sometimes it hasn’t. This week, it isn’t working.

I have missed three days teaching, due to a cold, exacerbated by diabetes and weak lungs. I am making the difficult decision about attending AUCD in Washington, DC, a highlight of my year. I am feeling guilty about possibly not going, because the wonderful Lu Zeph has paid my way, and the wonderful Valerie Smith would have to present on Universal Design without me.

But I couldn’t breathe last night, and I just don’t get better the way others do – again. And I am getting older and just don’t have the energy to travel with my C-PAP, my prosthetic knees, and my documentation. To be at the airport by 4:00 AM, by cab, since I don’t drive, which means I will not sleep. To have everything in place for my companion animals and their caregivers. Sometimes these things can be obstacles, no matter how hard I try.

I worry about letting down my students; I am grateful for online teaching because I can do it as I have energy, and am awake.

I know I have a lot to offer, and certainly will continue going forward. This is not about self-pity or about looking for sympathy. It is about a reality that I, as a dedicated and persistent educator face, that sometimes confronts me more intensely than others.